Sunday, January 03, 2010

New Year

Ello All,
It's been a while since I've written here. What better time to start than a new decade?
Tejas asked me to make a list of things I've done last year and the years before. He's quite scared we'll end up forgetting certain things you should never forget.
I'll do the list at some point but the end of 09 is significant for me for a very different, far more painful reason.
A couple of years ago, I started to let go of certain personal dreams I had because I felt they'd hinder a far greater personal dream of mine- A perfect family.
Perhaps it was my unrequited desire to grow up faster, or maybe I'm just sad that way, but when I get into relationships I tend to get into them quite heavy.
Proma and Anish never understood it but it always made sense to me, that if you find someone compatible you hang onto them for dear life because you may not get the chance again.
As a result I tend to commit a bit too much and as I've experience time and time again- too soon.
In football, our coaches always taught us not to commit to a tackle unless you were 100% percent certain you could come out the winner. See, if you don't win the tackle, your mark's free to run into empty space and compromise your other defenders.
My logic was there's still a chance I WILL win the tackle so I might as well try my best to do it.
But the most frustrating times, were when I'd plan and do everything as well as I could, but still somehow couldn't pull the tackle off.
Maybe I was playing against someone out of my league, maybe it was as simple as luck, the fact of the matter, the only thing I can know for sure, is that I wasn't good enough to make the tackle.
As you can imagine, this is all an elaborate metaphor (And a half decent comic actually...) and I am quite out of position.
I'm in a flux. I have no idea what to do with anything and I have no real idea how to move forward.
I feel wierd.
Sorry this post was quite rambly in the end. I just thought maybe blogging would help. It sort of has. I don't know.
Fuck.

3 comments:

Mehvs said...

I understand completely, in a way.
In a way, I really don't.
I don't know what I understand or even if I really do, but your post struck a chord somewhere - getting in quite heavy, committing too much too soon, hanging on for dear life.
Hmm, yeah.

anish said...

dude man

Rajiv said...

I know that feeling.