Saturday, September 22, 2007

When the bed bug bites...

ello all!
So where have I been? Well, a few months ago I was fortunate enough to be inducted into the greatest sociological muck up the planet will ever see- the BMM course at Wilson College.
Now the irony of my complete lack of writing due to a mass media course aside, these past few months have been without a doubt the most incredible I've ever experienced. 4 months ago, I was still that cunt who wanted to get into Xavier's and play west end some day, world at my feet and all that. Now? Coming into this world, the most significant feeling it gave me was one of being small. Tiny, insignificant, and most of all, truly clueless.
Right from my first lecture, I knew I was never going to leave, because before me stood a man who instilled insecurity and panic into a group of people who'd never even met him or in some cases had even heard of him, and all he had to do, was be himself. It was beautiful. It was like meeting our respective consciences, and looking back sheepishly as we realised how nothing we did had ever really mattered because we hadn't hit 100% productivity yet. What he represented at that point was everything we could be, in terms of effort and knowledge, that we so obviously weren't. He was basically a reminder of every time someone made us feel like shit about our 'potential,' or about how we didn't realise how lucky we were. How human his expectations were showed me my limit and it was harsh.
Ever since then, the weeks just moulded together into one huge moment, one which hasn't yet ended I feel, even as I type this out. What defines a moment is a consistent pace and bloody hell, it's been a considerable pace. It took me a while to truly soak myself in this life entirely, and indeed I needed a slight shove before i did, but now that I'm in it I've never felt better. For the first time I feel like I can actually make a fucking difference to this planet. In four little months I have grown more than I have in 18 years.
How incredibly messed up this planet really is, is something I've always known but for the first time it's overwhelmed me. It's too soon and I wouldn't dare commit just yet, but yes, reporting has quite firmly kicked my dreams of theatre in their metaphorical nuts. Maybe it'll be shortlived, I don't know, the amount I've been shaken up these past few months I can't really say anything, but for the moment that's where I feel I need to be. Studying and learning about all the things we have, everything in me is pointing me in this direction and mentally at least I'm already making preparations.
But the kind of awareness and logic the subjects have given me are all great but they wouldn't have meant fuck but for the people I've met here and the experiences we've shared. And for the first time in my life I think I may be willing to admit I want to concede to logic. Whether I have in the past or not is irrelevant, but for the first time I want to accept it as a part of what I believe in. A few weeks ago, I was struggling to choose between the person I used to be, the guy who writes plays, and the person I should be, the guy who writes fact. Art and logic, I felt. Fuck it, why not both? If there's one thing Bombay stands for, it's be whatever the hell you want to and however the hell you want to. Sounds good to me.
I've met some incredible people here who've really changed me and each one of them has been beautiful in their own way. Ive had some good experiences, and some a bit sour, but they've all been awesome because for the first time, reality's bitten me and I cannot wait to bite back!

I fucking hate bed bugs.

5 comments:

Quaint Murmur said...

yayyyyyyyyyyyy

new post!!! wheeeeeeee.
sorry.

"In four little months I have grown more than I have in 18 years."

Oh yeah. I still get that feeling. after three years of college here, i feel like i'd drifted through the first 17 and i honestly think i was a bloody ignoramus when i entered. today, i have more informed opinions, a perspective that doesn't necessarily fit in with everyone else's and i can actually push myself to be more and do more than i ever did.

ah well. thank the lord i didn't get back into xavier's. would've meant another lifetime of drifting through everything...

Lovely post. art and logic- anything's possible y'know...and you're the one person i know who can make that work.

yayyyy....new post! keep writing, bum.

Anonymous said...

It's quite astonishing to see even the difference between even the previous post and this one..Sounds like your a changed man hurrender.

The funniest analogy came to my mind when I prodded my mind to come up with an analogy that could encapsulate your journey or whatever.

Its kinda like you read the previous post and you go " Oh what a cute dog" and then you go forward to pet it and then the reality bitten mongrel emerges and you go "WHAT THE ()(($*#" while he bites you in the arse.

Yes, that's it. Harry your a previously cute dog who's now an arse biting mongrel bitten by reality.

Ah, Creativity and Boredom. Bloody 'ell.

Rajiv

Harry said...

I'm glad you understand, you absolute freak...!

anish said...

wowowow - loved reading every word. so brilliantly written - blog a little more bitch!

oh and i cant wait for you to bite back too - keep me (us) updated.

Kyra said...

My Harry!

Ah after reading your blog, i remember the first time that crazy old man hit us in the face and made us delve into ourselves - and werent we a bunch of arrogant losers! - he and wilson and everything in between changed us to the extent that we arent necessarily less arrogant, but at least we acknowledge the arrogance. Everyone and everything changes, especially the way you see things, in this beautiful turmoil of a Wilson BMM, and I love watching how you change everyday.

and I, for one, thank my starry stars daily that Xaviers wasnt meant for you and Wilson became a part of you instead. What WOULD I do without you and the "boredom" you represent?